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Mad Mike Reviews TNA: Dual Impact, Double Carnage!

Ahoy Mayhemmers, I’m back after the Wrestlemania filled hiatus and I’m going to review two episodes of Impact…I’m watching them in a row, so apologies if I get a little cranky towards the end.

Segment 1: Recrap, Aces and Eights segment, Joey Ryan segment

  • Jeff must be hungry since he wanted a Full Metal May-ham tonight
  • A ten man tag??
  • Seriously is it “Aces & Eights” or “THE Aces & Eights”
  • Wow no one was chanting “You got fired”
  • Why is Brooke assuming Joey just wants to bang her?
  • Why do the Knockouts need a female ref? Isn’t that really sexist?

Segment 2: Match 1: Taryn/Velvet Vs. Gail/Tara

  • Okay so this actual feud is just going to be overshadowed by Joey Ryan being a creeper now?
  • Taryn’s short are really too tiny
  • The labia count is already off the scale for this match
  • He could at least pretend to count…I mean why wouldn’t he want to keep this job?
  • “If he takes his shirt off, it’s on.” Sometime I love Taz
  • This has actually been a pretty decent match
  • Is Joey Ryan and Gail Kim going to be a thing?
  • Ah…guess not, shame that might have been fun

Segment 3: Contract signing, Gut Check segment

  • I love Team Super Heel
  • I hate Chavo, just because you are a Guerrero doesn’t mean you are a champion
  • TNA can’t even afford a contract signing table?
  • Green M and M’s and winner’s purse….I love these guys
  • You guys should really read out these added things…
  • PLEASE DIE CHERNANDEZ. PLEASE DIE.
  • Robert Roode made the Herbie Hancock joke! Love it!
  • ADAM PEARCE. PREDICTION ACHEIVED.

Segment 4: Gut Check bit, Match 2: Pearce vs Magno

  • Oh God subtitles. Zeb Colter wouldn’t stand for this shit.
  • Magno. Sounds like a bad Pokemon
  • WAIT THIS MOTHER FUCKER CAN SPEAK ENGLISH??
  • SPEAK IT MOTHER FUCKER! DOES JEREMY BORASH LOOK LIKE A BITCH??
  • Why can’t they just sign Adam Pearce? For serious.
  • So let me guess…they end up signing Magno and he teams with one of the broken up Chernandez?
  • So wait the Gut Check Challenge thing is a thing again?
  • Jesus is Magno Spanish for botchy?
  • Oh great, all the judges are faces…Pearce is fucked

Segment 5: AJ Segment, Sting package, Hogan segment

  • So is AJ just a combo or Sting and DDP during the nWo era?
  • A Warrior? Oh God…this will only end badly

Segment 6: Angle/Park segment, Hogan segment

  • This is the first time they actually showed us who is in this ten man tag match
  • I love Park’s enthusiasm
  • AJ Styles eh? You mean the guy WHO CAN’T HAVE A WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SHOT???
  • Are you trying to tell me Hulkster that you don’t watch your own program?
  • You need someone dangerous Hulk? Why don’t you go find Abyss?
  • I. FUCKING. HATE. JAMES. STORM.
  • Someone stole Bret Hart’s sunglasses didn’t they Jimbo?

Segment 7: Hogan segment, Match 3: Dutt Vs. Andrews Vs. Petey, Clubhouse segment

  • THAT was Hogan sucking up to AJ?? He’s horrible at asskissing
  • PETEY!
  • So nice to see things haven’t changed and that a Petey match is only made good if he hits the Destroyer
  • The Dudleys talking about tag teamming a woman reminds me of a really funny story after an indy show in Poughkepsie

Segment 8 and 9: Match 4: Ten Man Tag, Brooke segment

  • Um. Tenay…it is kinda bullying
  • Wow…the ref totally saw that low blow…awful
  • If Aces and Eights were so powerful wouldn’t they go after other belts?
  • Is Brooke going to quit?
  • Can Brooke be dressed sluttier?

Segment 10: Brooke/Bully segment

  • Jesus does she even own a bra?
  • Hahahaha Bully is so great
  • Wow, all this is about a ticket? That’s a little disappointing
  • Well see that’s just spousal abuse Brooke
  • Nice to see someone actually fight dirty during one of these fights
  • Um…why are we cutting off?

TNH8 Scale

Wrestling: 3 out of 5 Laganas nothing overly spectacular, nothing overly wrong either

Logic: 4 out of 5 Laganas Everything seems to flow well still

Overall: 7 out of 10 Laganas

Segment 1: Recrap, Hardy segment, Match 1: Chernandez Vs. Team Super Heel

  • This is a way too long recap
  • WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS OPENING?
  • This is just playing like a mini-PPV so far
  • Who the fuck is this flag waving idiot?
  • DON’T SEND JESSE JAMES OVER THERE, THAT’ WHERE ACES AND EIGHTS ARE
  • God I love Team Super Heel
  • Hahahaha first fall before the commercial!
  • Whoa….really? Both falls that fucking quick?
  • I do love that Hernandez uses that ramp for the launch

Segment 2: Match cont, Brooke segment

  • It was a bit of a cheat for the first two falls to be done that quickly
  • How did the champs get control back? Tell us guys!
  • I kinda wish Homicide comes back and causes Chavo to lose
  • Fuck you Hernandez for ruining the Tower of Doom spot
  • Ew. Fucking ew.
  • Well I guess they didn’t want to do an Aces & Eights vs Team Super Heel because that might be interesting eh?
  • I love Joey’s referee attire
  • Can someone please explain to me why the Knockouts need their own ref?

Segment 3: Bully arriving, Joseph Park segment, Knockouts package

  • Um…why doesn’t someone just destroy all their bikes?
  • Justice? Is Joseph Park hiring The Shield?
  • Oh God, please let Park be Brooke’s divorce lawyer
  • Is this possibly the start of a TV Title feud? Possibly??
  • The Hot Mess? Really?

Segment 4: Match 2: Gail Vs. Taryn

  • Oh Jesus take the wheel…her TNAtron says “Hot Mess”
  • ODB isn’t wearing her wedding ring
  • TNA needs to change that star wipe thing for their lower third ads, it’s very distracting
  • Dude in the front row needs to calm the fuck down

Segment 5: Gut Check bullshit, AJ package

  • It’s not like winning or losing the match has actually mattered to you idiots
  • You are asking if Adam Pearce can talk AGAINST A GUY WHO’S PROMO WAS IN SPANISH AND NEEDED SUBTITLES
  • TNA is full of fucking idiots.
  • Why would AJ go back to TNA where he can’t get a title shot and people threaten him?

Segment 6: AJ segment

  • If AJ is sick of doing the right thing, he’ll go back with TNA cuz that’d be the wrong thing
  • JAMES STORM WHY DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING LET AJ TALK
  • TEAM APPLETINI!!!! I MISSED YOU!!!
  • Randy Orton should take a page out of his carbon copy Kaz to be entertaining
  • OMG please let AJ join Team Appletini. PLEASE. PLEASE.
  • That’s not a decision Hogan…a decision would be firing him

Segment 7: Angle segment, Match 3: Joey vs. Rob Terry

  • Ugh that Handicap match is going to suuuuuuuuck
  • Why does he have the Terminator in his video?
  • You know…Joey Ryan and Robbie E would make an amazing sleaze bag tag team
  • The heel announcers shouldn’t be right as often as Taz is

Segment 8: Brooke segment, Gut Check bullshit, Motorcycle Club segment

  • I hope the Atlas security guy is in Aces & Eights
  • Morgan is also exactly right
  • God why do these idiots have to be introduced every single time?
  • Ha! He’s from Texas and they are chanting No!
  • He better not speak in Spanish
  • HE’S LISPING IN SSSSPANISSSSH
  • That was your big speech? That was fucking awful.
  • Magno better be out there because Pearce is joining Aces & Eights
  • Pearce should run down the ramp and clothesline that idiot
  • Garrettt looks so uncomfortable on the bike

Segment 9: Match 4: Hardy Vs. Bully

  • Matches that start off with a finisher never end well…
  • Whoa those ladders must be light
  • That backdrop on the ramp looked sick

Segment 10: Match cont.

  • TNA needs to figure out how to show how the match can completely change during the commercial
  • That front suplex looked like it hurt a lot
  • Bully doing the Hogan taunt is great
  • Brooke you can’t reach over the guardrail and touch the talent
  • OMG TNA how do you fuck this up so bad. How’d that table break immediately?
  • This is a long way to go to reset a spot
  • Jesus, Bully just laid down
  • Nice Swanton, been a while since I’ve seen one
  • The totally real hammer!
  • Fantastic finish, total heel move
  • To be fair, he could have just as easily used anything to hit Jeff
  • Taz: Boink! Best announcement he’s made all year

TNH8 Scale

Wrestling: 4 Laganas out of 5 Two really good matches and two kinda clunkers

Logic: 3.5 Laganas out of 5 They really need to make this AJ story make sense soon

Overall: 7.5 Laganas out of 10