Better late than never, I’m reviewing the mid season finale of this show. Keep in mind, I just watched Impact…so I might be a tad surly.

Segment 1

• Before I get into this, I feel bad for Nattie because her cat passed away today
• Who brings a dress to someone days before the wedding using white chair covers for weddings, especially presumable a mom goes with a bride to pick out the dress
• Hahahahahahaha Vagina Rose!!
• Valets should technically do a lot more than that Eva
• Jojo just said Eva has big tits…no idea what she means
• Cool to see that Cena is so carefree about saying his brother is gay

Segment 2

• Hey Nikki maybe that’s why you shouldn’t fucking wear flip flops when you are on crutches
• Cameron….that man is your fucking boss, stop being a fucking child
• Natalya….dope wrestler
• Jojo…you have already been on TV, and you fucked it all up
• If I were Nikki I’d have gone to the wedding, you can always meet family in increments
• Jojo is being a spoiled 19 year old brat, does she forget that she was already on TV?

Segment 3

• Eva believes that a prayer about her not showing off her panties is appropriate
• If Nattie applies a sharpshooter on Brie in her wedding dress, that’d be the best reception ever
• Cameron probably just has to take a big shit

Segment 4

• God first Cameron had a UTI and a yeast infection, not she’s got more lady problems
• Eva…you and JoJo should fucking WATCH WRESTLING
• I’ve seen them “train” together once

Segment 5

• Nattie what did you expect with an outdoor wedding in Florida…it rains all the time there
• Eva…what the fuck are you wearing to a God damned wedding?!!?!
• Nattie how do you not expect Cameron to bring her plus one?
• Johnny Fabulous!!!!!
• Wow…fantastic Stewie impression by John’s gay brother
• Bryan is the only mother fucker to dress down for the wedding, I love it
• Way to dress up Jaret…I mean come on, don’t try to our D-Bry D-Bry
• Totally not bad luck for a groom to see the bride before the wedding

Segment 6

• Nattie totally brought this on herself FYI
• Sandow needs to host my eventual wedding please
• Ok Jon Uso is dressed way more casually
• Wow…Nattie is carrying her cat down the aisle…this is fucking pathetic
• I’m waiting for this minister to tear off his mask to reveal it’s Eric Bischoff
• Tyson Kidd’s new gimmick needs to be Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Menace

Segment 7

• Sandow is the perfect MC for a wedding
• Um….isn’t Brie already engaged?
• So…WWE put together a Hart Dynasty package
• Nattie you probably shouldn’t dance with that dude at your wedding
• Cena wants Nikki to move in?
• See you guys again November 17th

WAIT WAIT WAIT….THIS SHOW MUST CONTINUE!!!!

Segment 1.a

• Renee Young!!!!!! OMG this is the best show ever!!!
• I’ve driven a rental car without being able to rent one…just FYI JoJo
• Does “wrestling” mean “sex” or does it mean wrestling?
• Jaret doesn’t know how to wrestle…it definitely means sex
• Oh shit…sorry Cameron, that does really suck if it’s true
• Renee, don’t say “that being said” you are better than that
• Nikki dressed up as a sexy nurse…so that’s a thing

Segment 2.a

• Renee said the surprise guest is explosive, I immediately shouted “IT’S GOTTA BE KANE!!”
• Brie is jealous that Bryan is getting more popular
• Jurdy Uso…wave of the future
• Wow…Cena isn’t even main eventing this show, that’s weird
• “Are you going to propose?” “No.”
• #CenaBurn
• God damn Cena…that was a good speech
• So Jaret is fucking main eventing this show?

Segment 3.a

• Ha the two John/Jon’s left because they actually have things to do
• Hahahahahaaha this is the only time Nikki’s constant talking is fantastic
• Is he the ULTIMATE opportunist?? Jaret should Spear TJ and attack his injured foot

Segment 4.a

• It’s funny to watch the Bellas react to the Summerslam finish
• Nice to see Eva actually training with a ring around
• Thank you Renee Young, please be on all of the Total Divas shows

We’re coming close to the end of the first half of Total Divas and after last week’s Vegas shenanigans, let’s see what happens.

Segment 1

• Who the fuck has always dreamt of being in Maxim?
• Vincent and Cameron are really the worst fucking people ever
• Cameron can’t even push fake buttons properly
• Cena just seems like a damn great dude
• Nattie clearly doesn’t give a shit about Maxim
• Jojo doesn’t know what a “push” is
• STOP FUCKING SINGING JOJO
• My ears are bleeding
• My fucking ears are bleeding!!
• Um. Do either of you actually want to wrestle??
• Having your parents meet your partner’s parents doesn’t automatically mean marriage idiots
• Cameron has already made two button pushing references…I hate her
• Hey look it’s AJ and Kaitlyn!!
• That shin doesn’t look deformed
• Wow young Nikki actually looks like a decent person

Segment 2

• So this Maxim shoot is basically this
• John Cena in a coffeehouse is weird
• Um Nikki, your career survived you guys taking almost 2 years off
• Cameron gets her dogs nails done….she is the worst person ever
• I’ve finally figured it out, Jojo is Ashley from Fresh Prince
• Hey Jojo, maybe if you learned how to wrestle more than one bump….you’d stand out more

Segment 3

• Jon Uso is having none of this singing talk
• Jojo also has clearly never met Lilian Garcia
• Wow nice attempt at a dead lift German suplex there Naomi
• Brie is forgetting that she debuted without anyone even knowing Nikki existed
• Oh man Nattie with the unintended Hooters Slam!
• Oh fuck this sounds awful
• Naomi’s dad seems fucking awesome though
• Vincent is awful, and his father is awful

Segment 4

• I appreciate the idea that Jojo had, but my God is it awfully executed
• Vincent needs to stop wearing things around his neck
• This is something you should probably have discussed beforehand Vinny
• The best reasons to propose to someone include: cultural reasons and “because my daddy wants it”
• Ross and Rachel these two are not
• A break kinda means that you do go somewhere Vinny

Segment 5

• It’s 3 months Nikki….your man was out for months and months at a time, calm your tits
• Oh great…Cameron is the fucking Flava Flav of this group
• Vince is such a fucking pimp, I love it
• HAHAHAHAHAAHA Bray Wyatt is following buzzards in the background

Segment 6

• They couldn’t get Jojo a matching outfit?
• Thank God Jojo realized they sucked
• It sounded just as bad in the studio FYI

Segment 7

• They really should have tried this out on house shows
• Nikki…it’s a slight fracture, calm the fuck down

YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS. IT’S DRUNK BELLA FALLING TIME, ENOUGH BULLSHIT INTRO LET’S DO THIS!!!!

Segment 1

• Chris Jericho really IS cool dad now isn’t he?
• Justin does a lot of odd stretches for a dude who isn’t on TV all that much
• Jojo and Justin Gabriel basically have the same amount of personality and screen time
• Eva Marie is the one who is engaged and asked to ride Fandango’s disco stick
• MICHAEL FUCKING HAYES FTW
• There is a training scene without scowling Sara Del Ray….what the shit?
• Thank God Nattie recognizes that her spray tan guy is Tyson Kidd with the mumps
• This is weird all of them having a rational conversation…
• That is the worst move I’ve ever seen
• OMG Drunk Brie picture montage!
• Cookie sheet!!!
• Nattie needs twerking lessons
• Cameron dated a guy over double her age…nothing about this shocks me
• Jojo’s never quiet?? She’s always quiet on this show

Segment 2

• Jojo is only 19, so I shall now officially think of her as the Wrestlefan of this show
• God Jojo ate fucking nothing on her plate
• Cena is purse shopping!
• Ooh what’s the over/under on Nikki’s definition of “THAT many people”
• I’m guessing at least 20
• Vinny…it’s a fucking bachelorette party
• BTW Vinny’s twitter page says he is accepting bookings…so fuck him
• Curt Hawkins sighting!
• “I wanna see your pink…and I don’t mean your gear.” Oh Nikki

Segment 3

• Nattie is horrible at twerking and taking shots
• Yeah where else would these Divas get to see barely dressed men in silly costumes gyrating?
• Oh right…
• Jojo and Justin have had one date….of course he’s going to be out with someone who can drink

Segment 4

• One date Jojo. You had one date.
• Oh man….this is gonna be awesome
• BELLA DOWN! BELLA DOWN!! BELLA DOWN!!!
• I love the blurring of the vag shots
• Everyone is talking about “Brie mode” yet Nikki is the one who falls drunk
• “At the end of the day” count: 1

Segment 5

• Wow…that whole exchange with drunk Brie and Sleepy Bryan is amazing
• Bryan is consistently awesome
• Little odd that Cena isn’t there with the Superstars all stars and Bryan

Segment 6

• Nikki brings porn and a vibrator since John wasn’t there
• “the bomb dot com” count: too many
• Vinny needs to take off that rosary
• Jojo sees the cotton candy like Brie sees orgasm shots

Segment 7

• Ah I can totally relate to dating someone who can’t control their booze, but at the same time….fuck you Cameron
• Jojo sweetie, you’re 19 and have no tits…that’s why you don’t have a Maxim shoot

Okay so I’m watching this episode after Raw…and the #pipebombshell AJ dropped, so this should be hilarious.

Segment 1

• Hey Eva…..John is kinda seeing someone, also aren’t you kinda engaged?
• Roman Reigns should have speared both of them
• Birthday mentions: 1
• I’m pretty sure that it’s a creepy Canadian thing that Tyson’s mom wants to sleep with Nattie
• Cameron….shut the fuck up, unless you are paying for Naomi’s new shit, shut the fuck up
• Cameron had to really rehearse that “Girl bye!” for a long time
• Birthday mentions: 2
• Birthday mentions: 3
• Birthday mentions: 4
• If Nattie taught the Bellas how to wrestle and the Bellas taught Nattie how to be a Diva, it’s no wonder they all suck
• Birthday mentions: 5 and 6
• NOT THE CROSSFACE TYSON!! NOT THE CROSSFACE!!!!
• Birthday mentions: 7
• Birthday mentions: 8

Segment 2

• Cameron…stop saying fucking “work” when you don’t even know HOW TO FUCKING WORK
• God damn Nikki…..how do you confuse Stalin for Churchill?
• Cena knows Chinese? That’s a new wrinkle for his gimmick
• Birthday mentions: 9
• Tyson’s mom looks really strung out
• 12 years is rushing a wedding? I’m gonna present that opinion to my girlfriend and see what she thinks.
• P.S. I’ll probably single soon if I do that…..ladies
• Naomi is fucking athletic as shit
• “It’s not about the moves” sums up why people hate the divas division

Segment 3

• Birthday mentions: 10
• There are too many people who have J’s in their name on the show: JoJo, John, Jaret, TJ, etc.
• HOW DO YOU NOT GO VISIT YOUR GRANDFATHER’S GRAVE IN SIX YEARS???
• So we should be blaming your grandfather for the woman you are today Nikki?
• CURSE YOU POP POP!!
• Birthday mentions: 11 and 12
• For being together 12 years, it sure seems like Tyson and Nattie have an awful relationship
• Birthday mentions: 13 and 14
• Odd shout out to Nancy Grace…
• Birthday mentions: 15
• Cameron…..stop saying fucking anything, you say “boo boo face” I wanna punch you in the neck
• JoJo’s line for this episode: Aw, yay.
• Cameron has to be like a 13 year old child right?
• Seriously…JoJo is the only likable person on this show besides Cena and Bryan, and that’s because she doesn’t talk

Segment 4

• Birthday mentions: 16 and 17
• P.S. Jaret looks like Tyson with the mumps
• Jaret hitting on an engaged woman adds to the list of horrible people
• Hee. He said “do do”
• The Bellas should be booked from Brawley, California….just sayin
• Their brother’s name is JJ? Oh come the fuck on J is not that popular of a letter!
• Look at that fedora…..wow

Segment 5

• FAKE ACTING.
• FAAAAAAAKE AAAAAAAAAAAACTIIIIIIIING
• The Bellas’ dad’s lisp is hilarious
• Turning down a match on Raw because you had a little tiff is always a great idea
• Yelling at each other in front of your bosses is always a good idea
• Stephanie is “top lady” I’m sure she loves being called that
• Stephanie must hate this shit
• I’d rather see a reality show about Sandra, the seamstress lady
• Brie seems like a good person, especially when she says to not say “Team BooBoos”
• Naomi is clearly the better wrestler of the two Funkadactyls, and Nattie is being a horrible person…but at least she didn’t say it was her birthday
• TAG TEAM WRESTLING IS REAL FRIENDSHIPS YALL
• Next week: THE JOJO STORYLINE AND FALLING FUCKING BELLAS!!!!!! YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES