Mad Mike Movie Review: 12 Rounds

Another work from home day, another opportunity for Mad Mike to spew stream of consciousness thoughts about a wrestling related bit of media. Today’s adventure will be the John Cena epic 12 Rounds. Never got to see this in the theater, despite actual interest to go see it. So here we go!

I do kinda like the WWE Studios logo

Cena’s girl is definitely hot, and kinda funny to see his badge number is 42….though I’m not sure why

Villain is called “the face of the devil” he looks kinda like a douche to me

Cena has been referred to a “freakishly large” by his partner who is African American, I fully expect Cena’s partner to be killed

Interesting twist to start with, the big bad villain has been shot by a guy the FBI was using as bait…no Cena involvement yet

Oh…never mind, it was a set up

Ok….scratch that, it was a setup on top of a setup

Oh good, main villain has a hottie accomplice

Ah good Cena and black partner just happened to stumble upon hottie accomplice’s car

Black partner got shot in the ass, Cena being a cowboy now

Cena just stopped escaping FBI most wanted by pushing a boat at them…it was on a trailer but still…

Hottie accomplice is dead, villain vows to remember Cena (side note: villain kinda looks like Danielson with horrible facial hair)

Cena waxing philosophical over a pool table about being upset he got promoted because a girl died

Cena’s girl is upset because he has difficulty managing his finances

Villain on the phone, uh oh plot just got introduced

Wow villain just blew up Cena’s car, house, and plumber (hereby referred to as Round 1, only eleven more!)

Something tells me Cena is going to be running a lot in this movie

Cena is trying to chase down a ferry with his girl on it while driving a Mustang, villain is waiting at ferry port

Girlfriend is kidnapped (Round 2!), Cena says he’s going to hunt down villain and kill him

Villain explains this as a last man standing match, if Cena is still standing after the remaining 10 rounds he will let girlfriend go

Katrina ticker: 1

Uh oh, villain left coordinates to Cena’s brother’s firehouse

Cena has passed Round 3, villain has left clues on the phone Cena has to get two safe deposit boxes in a bank that’s on fire (this is Round 4)

Black partner going to investigate possible car with girlfriend in it, I’m getting flashbacks of Keanu Reeves’ partner going into the villain’s house in Speed

Both safe deposit boxes are bombs, Cena now has 7 minutes to get clear across town (Round 5)

Cena just took a huge bump through lots of plywood after rappelling from a building

Cena just drove the strongest fire truck I’ve ever seen and got rid of the bomb, Round 6 has started, other box has been opened up to reveal a hotel key card

Still kinda shocked Cena’s shirts have remained fully intact thus far, I don’t expect this to continue

Cena is clearly a supercop, outwitting FBI agents currently

Cena is trapped in an elevator set to blow up with a portly Samoan security officer

Despite almost lifting portly Samoan to safety he fell with the elevator

Round 7 has started, villain doesn’t want Cena to bring the FBI…even though the FBI hasn’t really done much to help thus far

Cena has now boarded a bus, there is a bomb strapped to girlfriend who is on said bus, ok so this is Speed 3: SuperCena

Wow, villain is on the bus, and threatened Cena with bomb and a thumb pressure sensitive trigger

Cena saved villain from sniper shots that would have killed everyone, to let Round 8 commence

Cena failed Round 8 by picking the wrong number and blowing a brake line on a cable car, let’s go with Round 9!

Cena told black partner to be careful, likely means he’s dead

And they just did the tired “911 put me on hold” joke, it was funnier when Hans Gruber commented on it

Cena is using FBI guys car to try and stop the cable car, this kinda looks like Spider-man 2 now

Cena drove FBI guy’s car into generator thus killing all power to the city block

Round 10 was Cena getting black partner to follow villain’s prison escapee accomplice

Round 11 was villain killing black partner, w00t score points for me

They seem to be going through these rounds awfully quickly

Round 12 is Cena has to find his girlfriend, with a Cena-imprinted thumb print on the trigger

Looks like villain is after money, all these games just for money…ok so maybe this is just Die Hard for a Vengeance

Apparently every trap was a set up to villain’s master plan of thievery from the Nawlins mint

Cena’s girlfriend knows how to fly a chopper? Really?

Holy shit Cena just jumped onto the chopper

I hope villain flies out of the copter like Hans

Villain decided to blow the chopper anyway after getting his ass kicked, Cena and girlfriend leap into a pool from the chopper

Cena and girlfriend walking past posh couple that owned the pool and they were getting down to Mark Henry’s “Sexual Chocolate” music…not joking

Movie over…kinda anticlimactic ending

Overall, not horrible but I liked the Marine better, even tough I will say Cena does have some acting chops and he kept his shirts on for the whole movie, very surprised by that. I’ll say Cena did the best with what he was given, which wasn’t much as it was a shittier version of Die Hard with a Vengeance.

Score: 2.5 “Fireproof Cenas” out of 5